Instead of writing my 4th and final paper of the semester that is due Friday, I decided to spend 2 hours and 10 minutes watching Eat Pray and Love, a film I've been dying to see since it came out.
(oops I haven't read the book.)
Do I feel like a saint, or a wise old lady, yes I do. But during the entire movie, I felt sad. I felt empty inside. I felt a lack of inspiration in my entire body. Am I going to break up with Milan, date a guy 10 years younger than me, dump him and then go to Italy, India, and Indonesia leaving all my belongings and loved ones behind for a year? Possibly.
Joke. But I really feel confused and sad and weird and in a need to talk to someone about my feelings without being judged. I feel like lately I've been in such a grievance that I'm longing for it to end.
Life is beautiful. I know it. I've seen it's beauty. I've embraced and admired and adored it. I use past tense not that I'm done for good now, but that I have before and I'm more than ready to do it again.
I miss the feeling when I was little, that everything new to me was so life changing, and eye opening. I miss finding joy and beauty and knowledge in little things. I hate living day to fucking day with no surprise. I miss being excited for little things. Right now, I feel like a rock. Emotionless. I know I said I was sad and weird like 2 seconds ago but I feel BLAH and usually that means sad but now that I'm writing, it might mean that I feel nothing right now.
I'm sick and tired of waiting for Friday to roll around. Life isn't about weekends.
(oops I haven't read the book.)
Do I feel like a saint, or a wise old lady, yes I do. But during the entire movie, I felt sad. I felt empty inside. I felt a lack of inspiration in my entire body. Am I going to break up with Milan, date a guy 10 years younger than me, dump him and then go to Italy, India, and Indonesia leaving all my belongings and loved ones behind for a year? Possibly.
Joke. But I really feel confused and sad and weird and in a need to talk to someone about my feelings without being judged. I feel like lately I've been in such a grievance that I'm longing for it to end.
Life is beautiful. I know it. I've seen it's beauty. I've embraced and admired and adored it. I use past tense not that I'm done for good now, but that I have before and I'm more than ready to do it again.
I miss the feeling when I was little, that everything new to me was so life changing, and eye opening. I miss finding joy and beauty and knowledge in little things. I hate living day to fucking day with no surprise. I miss being excited for little things. Right now, I feel like a rock. Emotionless. I know I said I was sad and weird like 2 seconds ago but I feel BLAH and usually that means sad but now that I'm writing, it might mean that I feel nothing right now.
I'm sick and tired of waiting for Friday to roll around. Life isn't about weekends.
2 comments:
awww Pranju!!! you don't deserve to feel like that at all. i am all ears and a phone call away if you need to talk!! love you.
ps - you'll find magic and beauty where and when you least expect it:)
pps -READ THE BOOK! (i refused to watch the movie)
Hey Pranjali,
I am doing some majorr stalking on your blog, but it's cuz I just lovee your writing style. I came across this post and it really touched me mostly because I have been feeling the same way, the day in and day out feeling, the emptiness, the longing for a connection and trying to find the simple things in the world that used to make me smile and forget about the pain. I'm tired of waking up in the morning only to dread what's coming next or not wanting to wake up from a dream cuz the reality is just so painful. And I keep wanting to let it out and talk to someone but it seems like I'm always at a loss of words or there is soo much I don't know where to begin. But yeah, I just wanted to say that I feel you, I feel you 110%
<3, Lavanya
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